You're wrong.
I erased that text named "Ask". I was really... Mad (?). Got there only by thinking the bad stuff. But now it's time to move on.
So... where to begin? It's hard. I'll start by the very first step you took on me. When you asked me if I wanted to be your boyfriend while the train was moving. Spring coming to an end, both of us studying, love was in the air. You took the shot and I was absolutely in love with you. How hauntingly beautiful is... being from a place that everyone barely knows, and then you get this question from the love of your life? Of course I said yes. I think I was very different from now. But your brown eyes, your deep sight swimming through my feelings. Oh, it was really lovely. I was the happiest man on earth by that date. The nineth of December. It's crazy to think we were on our way to our nineth year too.
Then the most happiest and lovely story started writing on our life books. Money did not matter. Friends did matter. Traveling wherever we could. We even liked to travel with our bags on our back. Nothing related to uncomfortable was on our minds. We had such a synergy that we saw no other couple had. It felt amazing. I remember the times when you wanted to make parties but couldn't use your house because it was far and a little bit difficult to reach for our friends to get there. So we used my flat. And we always wanted to make our friends comfy. Always trying to make the longest parties too. Sometimes we argued about some friends that stood FOREVER in the mornings after-party. After that, of course, we laughed at how much time our guests could spend with us. 'Cause our parties were really good. It was amazing. Sometimes it happened that your budget could not reach mines. But I never cared about it. You always asked me if "it was okay for me to use my flat as a meeting headquarters and spend money on certain things". I seriously never cared. I pushed you on enjoying the moment. Enjoying our friends, our moments. We always pushed the best parties.
And our trips were amazing too. I remember when we used every single hour and minute in Brasil. We even got VERY wasted a night before a tour. We drank so much caipirinhas and danced until 3AM. Only to get picked up at 6AM. We even had breakfast that morning. We were SO WASTED HAH. And (sorry!) you puked over an argentinean fella, and the tour guide said "it's no problem, everyone here has these problems". And we bought a shirt for you so you could spend the tour comfortably. We saw cops drinking, we drank with hookers on our side, we ate a lot of delicious food there... We got lucky on Galetos, got the kiwi caipirinha experience, met the Morro da Urca, swam with the fish at Angra dos Reis, everything. What an amazing trip.
Unforgettable.
I still use the best gift I have ever had in my life. The rolling pin. To use it, of course, reminds me of you. I remember the moment you gifted it into my hands. You know why I cried? I remember you asking "Why are you crying over this?" 'Cause no one had ever done that to me. No one had that precision of knowing somebody beyond love. My taste for cooking. My love for food. My love... No one knew my love, but you. It's hard to acknowledge that.
Oh dear. I still keep that sixty-degree perfect stone found at Rio Blanco. How happy we were, on our adventure, meeting every possible place we could. I was terrified for the car to get damaged. But you did not care at all lol. That feeling of love, the willing to do something everyday... Oh my dear, it was love flowing everywhere in my blood. Remember our desperation about getting some music, and buying some stuff while the night was coming? I remember you feeling guilty... But I was always trying to make you calm. And you were so sorry, while I was telling you it was okay. It was part of the adventure too. You always drove so well. You always looked pretty. We were always by our side. Most enjoyable camping experience I've had in my life. No doubt in my mind. Stars, river, animals, flowers, places... Oh woman, it was astounding.
And then we got to our hardest challenge. The covid-19. You can google it. While you were at Recoleta, I was (still) living in Santiago. One of the longest lockdowns by that time. We spend over 180 days apart. Google duos, whatsapp videocalls, remote parties with our friends. Hey girl?! It was CRAZY. We spent over five months apart. And we did it. We managed to see our faces again. We saw many couples breaking apart. Many people losing love. But we didn't. We stood our ground, our love was stronger. And we lived through it. I remember my happiness as soon as I saw you. Incredible love flowing through my veins. I was, once again, the happiest man on earth.
All of these memories... our experiences, places, friends, lovely moments, our tears, our pushes, fishing, driving, swimming, flexing, cooking... everything, dear. Every single positive aspect of what we had is in my mind. On my best memories. I don't know if I'll erase this... I don't know if I want to be with anyone at this moment. That includes the huge respect I got for you. So this means, I'm not over you in terms of love. It's not that "you're always on my mind". No. I've moved on from that. But moving on from us is healthier, for both of us. Unfriend me or block me on our social media, whatever. I don't really care. I care about what we had, how lovely and beautiful it was. How much love I could share. I am sorry for what I didn't give to you. I'm sorry for not turning into what you wanted. From the bottom of my heart, I still love you. But it's hard to type in english, since in spanish you got two terms: Te amo y te quiero. I stand for the second one. Te quiero mucho. Amarte sounds like something impossible, since Amar someone without getting it back... hurts. And I've had enough pain through these days. I hope you are coping with life now that I'm gone. Beautiful woman, I really wish you an amazing life. I wish your pain eases away. I wish you move on. I wish you get to be an amazing woman. More than you already are. I wish your degree ends up well. I wish your career continues internationally. I wish you could call me someday. I'm not bad and mad anymore. I'm better. And I hope you're doing better too.
And yes. It was hard to sum up everything, 'cause typing eight years in one text IS HARD. But it's an amazing feeling.
Until something laces both of us again. Thanks for everything Constanza.
You'll be always on my best memories.
Your dearest,
José.
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