Bowdlerize

It takes a long week for me to take action. Such stupid shit that could just make me cry in a matter of seconds. Once we hit the ground, I realized that I might need to drive from the Pacific to the Andes to just make an overcoming. I noticed that mountains show their imposigness through winds that could shut your eyes in a fraction of a second. The cold temperature sheers your toes, the tip of your nose. There's no such thing as silence when the air breeze is a constant. While in other days, when sun bathes your problems, everything just flushes away. The Humboldt current freezes your toes as soon as you fondle the sea.

If I need more reality hits, then I'll be fucking waiting them. Life's been a real bitch right now. All I know is this coming winter won't be cold as last winter. And summer has given me so much stupid dates, I AM DONE.

I am done pushing myself into anyone else's life. Like it's not been enough for someone who has lost so much in such little time.

But I am also convinced that I've been... SO MUCH WORSE.

I know the feeling of hitting bottom. I know what a good bye rumination is. It's not that I didn't have the guts. It's the fact that I think my ego should stay in a healthier place.

And spraying sulfur in my skin, at the three thousands', taking a walk every fucking day, climbing up hills with my brother, traveling throughout this beautiful fucking country, dressed with mountains and rivers. As I take pictures of myself reaching so much altitude, making sure everyone and everything is okay, as I have cared for fucking everyone so much time... but myself.

Yesterday my daughter told me something that broke the glass. She said she wanted to dive into the pool but she did not want to do it alone. I offered her to stay on the phone so she could swim and cool herself a bit more, with someone. But her momma was busy. And she wanted her to stay. But her momma looked kind of tired. And I can't judge both of them, since one is bored and energetic and the other one is just tired of moving stuff and building a house.

And I noticed it. We both hate being alone. I am such a nostalgic person nowadays and it's obvious why I am feeling this way, but am thinking that she's feeling this kind of stuff at some point in the future. If she's already feeling it, when her momma is like, RIGHT AT HER SIDE, am just imagining how's that gonna be further in time.

And it's the fucking price to pay. Had a streak of good days for a while, but nights haven't been the best... Am back to sleeping four to six hours. My brain just wakes me up, even if I fall asleep at 3 am, am waking up at 7 or 8am. Because I am finally letting shit go. It takes a river to cry but at least I am making it. 29 is just at the corner.

If you ever read this, dear:
It's just been a week and it feels like two. I know this next weekend we're looking at our faces again and our way of living will be like this, remember, for a while. I know you'll feel lone. I know you sometimes want to come back. But I am also convinced that family there has shown you the love you deserve. Remember, you have the power of your hands to create, to build, to elaborate, to communicate, to do so much stuff you'll meet your potential one day. But keep it at work, because your intelligence is art. Your brightness is a thing of excellence. I want you to focus on your stuff. Not anyone else's. We're all going to be fine, emotions always flow, remember. Energies will always transform. Everyone changes. So to love yourself is a must, because the only person that can get over with anything in life is: YOU. Papá loves you forever.

J